Saturday, January 2, 2010

Four Leaf Clover on New Year’s Day

(Click on photos to enlarge)

Yesterday I spent the entire day reorganizing my studio. I tore everything apart and did a lot of rearranging. While I was in the tearing apart mode I came across a four leaf clover I had found on a walk last year. I remember it well because it was the first four leaf clover I have ever found so I was pretty excited about it. What a great omen to find this symbol of good luck on the first day of the new year as I was cleaning out the old and issuing in the new in the sacred space of my studio. I also made a little alter space in my studio, which is something I had in my old, much larger studio but had not found room for in this studio yet. (Forgot to take a photo of my mini alter after I made it, will do that later)

As I was cleaning out my studio my spooky looking under-painted self portrait (which was still drying) was staring at me all day and often in the way. I moved it around gruffly as I worked and went through a bunch of different emotions as I looked at it throughout the day. At one point I got very anxious and wondered why in the world I did not do a more primitive portrait, this realism is way beyond my knowledge and ability as an artist at this point. I felt panicky that I had spent all this time on it and that it would be wasted time, that it would come out terrible and I would hate it. At other times I was really pissed off at it. I was angry that it was in my way all day, that it was so ugly with its sickly looking coat of grey/green under paint and that it was staring at me with that intense gaze. I was mad that it was hard, not easy and all fun.

Finally at one point when I sat down to rest my aching back and neck I had the revelation that I was missing the point. I am doing this as a soulful expressive art experience, it doesn’t matter how it comes out. Entering into the process of painting it, just showing up in front of the canvas and allowing it to be birthed out of me is all I need to do. It is the creation experience itself I am after, not the product produced at the end. So that helped re-center me in this project and I am ready to enter into a dialog with this painting again today in my freshly organized studio, complete with an alter space and my lucky four leaf clover. Happy second day!

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