At 3:00 in the morning, sleepless, mind churning, trying to sort out thoughts and plans of actions. All I can come up with is "It's complicated". At 4:30 AM it is no less complicated and by 5:00 AM I give in and get up. So here I am trying to weave together threads of thought that kept unwinding themselves throughout another long, sleepless night.
So what exactly is it, aside from a fever that fluctuates between 101.00 and 102.00, that keeps me up these past few nights? Welcome to a 60 second clip of my brain......
- No matter how hard I try to hold onto the last bare thread of my life as a "Professional Artist" that part of my life has slipped away. I struggle with feelings of jealousy watching my professional colleagues carry on with their creative brilliance while my brain is too swollen most days to even lift a paint brush. I hate feeling jealous of their ability to still create such beauty.
- Part of the reason my artistic career exhausted me so much and was so stressful on me was because I was painting to please gallery managers and the public, never myself. I paid a dear price for the.
- Every time I try a new healing modality and I have a few good day's I am convinced I am in remission. Until I crash, and realize I'm not. Then I get depressed because my expectations were to high. I need to just soak in every brilliant moment of a good day and let it be just that, a good day. No labels, no further expectations.
- I need to surrender and rest on bad days. The fighting, resenting, and flailing about isn't serving me. As a matter of fact even I am getting sick of that resistant, whining, part of myself.
- The fundamentalist relative that sent me an accusatory email, but didn't have enough of Christ's love in her heart to respond to the reply I sent to her, is tying me in knots. I realize for the last 23 years I have been trying to pretend to be something I am not to please her and it's killing me. (Note to self: Stop doing that. It's not working for either of you)
- Stop looking to other people for love and start loving yourself. (Read that one again, often)
- Why the F%@* is it so hard for me to stick to the strictest version of the AIP (Autoimmune Paleo Protocol Diet) when I know it makes me feel so much better?
- Why is the DENAS Scenar unit, (I just spent WAY more money than I could afford to on), so hard to figure out?
- Why do so may so called "Healers" charge exorbitant amounts of money to work with the very sick (Who are also often very poor)?
- And WHY do I keep expending energy that I don't even have on gearing this blog in a way that no longer serves me? Answer: because when I write about my health nobody wants to read it so I try to write posts to please others. Hmmm...... I think I am seeing a trend here.
Ok, so you get it, and that is just a tiny slice of what rolls through my bacteria burdened, inflammation ridden brain in the long, dark, sleepless night hours.
Things are going to change around here. Stay tuned!
Things are going to change around here. Stay tuned!
Linda, I wish i could help you
ReplyDeletemaybe i can by telling you my life seems so much like yours
you write down my struggles and pain
nothing helps but surrender( i hope this is the right word) trust heal love yourself an if possible say to yourself that there is nothing you MUST you are good as you are
but I know...if i had no morphine i go crazy
Yvette, Thanks so much for stopping by and for your supportive comment. I wrote this in the wee-hours of the morning and I had not realized that I had "Published" the post. I thought I had just clicked on save. When I came back to proof read it after my meditation I saw you comment. I was actually thinking of deleting the blog post but your comment made me change my mind. I really think it was the Universe's way of telling me to stick with this tread of thought that is forming and that is to use this blog in a way that better serves me on this path to wellness. I am so sorry you have to know what living like this is like but knowing that you are out there and that when I write stuff you get it makes me feel deeply connected and somehow useful. Thanks you for that.
DeleteBe Well,
L.
Linda, glad you did not delete the post. Moving forward when ones body seems to be battling every attempt has to be more then just frustrating. Just to feel or be normal seems like such a little thing to ask but a huge thing once its there! Not easy at all. I wish for you a good day and night followed by many more. Loving oneself is always a good start. Everyone else can just take a back seat, those that love you will understand. the rest...pffft. Hang in there, sending all good thoughts your way.
ReplyDeleteThanks Karen, your kind, compassionate and understanding words mean a lot to me.
Delete