At 3:00 in the morning, sleepless, mind churning, trying to sort out thoughts and plans of actions. All I can come up with is "It's complicated". At 4:30 AM it is no less complicated and by 5:00 AM I give in and get up. So here I am trying to weave together threads of thought that kept unwinding themselves throughout another long, sleepless night.
So what exactly is it, aside from a fever that fluctuates between 101.00 and 102.00, that keeps me up these past few nights? Welcome to a 60 second clip of my brain......
- No matter how hard I try to hold onto the last bare thread of my life as a "Professional Artist" that part of my life has slipped away. I struggle with feelings of jealousy watching my professional colleagues carry on with their creative brilliance while my brain is too swollen most days to even lift a paint brush. I hate feeling jealous of their ability to still create such beauty.
- Part of the reason my artistic career exhausted me so much and was so stressful on me was because I was painting to please gallery managers and the public, never myself. I paid a dear price for the.
- Every time I try a new healing modality and I have a few good day's I am convinced I am in remission. Until I crash, and realize I'm not. Then I get depressed because my expectations were to high. I need to just soak in every brilliant moment of a good day and let it be just that, a good day. No labels, no further expectations.
- I need to surrender and rest on bad days. The fighting, resenting, and flailing about isn't serving me. As a matter of fact even I am getting sick of that resistant, whining, part of myself.
- The fundamentalist relative that sent me an accusatory email, but didn't have enough of Christ's love in her heart to respond to the reply I sent to her, is tying me in knots. I realize for the last 23 years I have been trying to pretend to be something I am not to please her and it's killing me. (Note to self: Stop doing that. It's not working for either of you)
- Stop looking to other people for love and start loving yourself. (Read that one again, often)
- Why the F%@* is it so hard for me to stick to the strictest version of the AIP (Autoimmune Paleo Protocol Diet) when I know it makes me feel so much better?
- Why is the DENAS Scenar unit, (I just spent WAY more money than I could afford to on), so hard to figure out?
- Why do so may so called "Healers" charge exorbitant amounts of money to work with the very sick (Who are also often very poor)?
- And WHY do I keep expending energy that I don't even have on gearing this blog in a way that no longer serves me? Answer: because when I write about my health nobody wants to read it so I try to write posts to please others. Hmmm...... I think I am seeing a trend here.
Things are going to change around here. Stay tuned!