Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Finding My Way Back, Again
I am finding my way back again from a relapse that lasted 6 long months. It is always sort of a surreal feeling to slowly rise up and out of one of these dark and painful spells. Just being able to put one foot in front of another to go for a walk 3 days in a row feels a bit like the Red Sea parting. To deeply draw into my lungs the fresh, crisp air and feel the distant January sun's effort to warm the earth beneath my feet is no less than a miracle to me. I listen to each footstep crunch on the snow covered road, that sound that comes after many subzero nights in midwinter. My mind is clearer and my heart is opening. Healing is returning and it reminds me of the joy that one feels in early spring, despite the frigid January weather. The cold is welcome, as long as I can feel like this I will take any weather with a glad heart.
Each relapse takes a little more away from me. Each time I work my way back from a relapse my life appears a little more ghost-like to me. Sometimes I am OK with that, sometimes I'm not. Each downward plunge brings me to a place so dark and painful that I fear, this time, I will surely disappear completely. My life becomes more and more unrecognizable and I flail around like a drowning person desperate for just one more breath of air. I shout, scream, rage and get really angry. I pray, cry and beg for relief. I yell at the people I love and push them away, because at times, the pain is so great that I need to draw back deeply inside myself. Trying to find a place where I can somehow navigate a path through one more hour, or day or or week. One slow deep breath, one whispered prayer at a time.
Thank you to those of you that listen when I am down. Thank you to those of you that send love and prayers. I know it isn't easy to be around me when I am treading the turbulent waters of a relapse. But most of all, thank you to those of you that love me when I am at my most unloveable. You are the true Angels that God sends into my life and most of you I have never even met in person, which makes your love even more of a miracle to me.
Today I am finding my way back to health. Maybe not back to the person I was, but that's ok. For right now it's more than enough to just put one foot in front of the other, and with each crunch of the frozen ground, a prayer of gratitude goes out to all of you. May God's unlimited Grace surround you and bathe you in healing, joyful and radiant light.