Thursday, June 19, 2014

Testing my Wings, Finding my Way Forward

“The psyches and souls of women also have their own cycles and seasons of doing and solitude, running and staying, being involved and being removed, questing and resting, creating and incubating, being of the world and returning to the soul-place.” 
― Clarissa Pinkola EstésWomen Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype

It occurred to me today that this season of solitude, where I lived removed from the world, has served me well in my healing journey. I needed to stay concealed within the sacred walls of my hermitage to do this healing work. 

Today, I reached another summit on the mountain I have been climbing. I drove our car, alone, after decades of not being able to drive. My husband has driven me everywhere since I got sick and I have been very isolated and dependent on him. It occurred to me today that the healing work I have been doing for the last 2 decades is bearing fruit. I  am slowly arriving at wellness, something I was told by my Doctors would never happen. Surprisingly it is a scary place to find myself after being so disabled for so long. Everything out "there" in the world feels a bit like a "Texas Gate"**

So today I got in our car,  drove down the 4 dirt roads that separate us from the main road, and left the woods to prove to myself that I could. I headed out to the main road and I drove, alone, in a world filled with people that know how to navigate life in the "Real world".  It occurred to me that learning how to function in the world again might be even harder than recovering from this tenacious disease I have been battling.  I am grateful to have my Husband as a support, but much of this work will need to be done on my own. Now it seems I am searching for a way to balance the desire of my soul to remain cloistered and the need of my heart to go out and find a friend to walk with me on this journey. 

Today I tested my wings.

** A Texas Gate is a metal grate or grid that is laid on top of a pit in the ground. People, cars, tractors, etc.. are able to easily cross the grate but cattle will not cross. Cattle see only the pit below the grate and are afraid they will fall in. They can't comprehend that it is safe for them to cross by walking on the grate that covers the pit.


  1. that was a big brave step - one of many you have already taken and another first to celebrate

    1. Thank you sticky fingers. Never dawned on me that if and when I got this autoimmune disease into remission that I would need to learn to be in the world all over again. It's scarier than I thought it would be. it's a big, busy world out there, even in backwoods Vermont :-)