Thursday, December 23, 2010

Saying Goobye, Surrendering & Using Art as My Guide

 I am counting down the days until I need to send the sketchbook I have been working on back to Art House Co-op where is will go on tour across the country . So much of my life lately seems to be about letting go; closing my silk painting studio, the realization that the new medications I am on will not produce immediate results, loosing my ability to be as mobile as I was, letting go of 2010; the 10th year of this illness in which I was so sure I would be healed and now letting go of this amazing sketchbook that has been my near and dear companion for so long.

In the past I believed so completely that God and my own ability to manifest health would cure this illness. To this day it continues to shock me that I am not well yet. However there is this message, a mantra of sorts that keeps coming to me from all kinds of sources and it is "Surrender". Just surrender, just be, just allow what is, stop fighting and kicking and screaming against this illness and be with it for a while. Just see where it takes you, how deep it goes, how dark it gets. Then perhaps in the midst of that dark pace I will begin to see a flicker of light.

A friend of mine is sitting in vigil with her dying father and has been sharing the most amazing details of this sacred time father and daughter are experiencing together. Today she wrote that he said "I have one foot on that side and one foot on this.... I am smiling on both sides... It is a bright, light filled place." I was so moved by his words and in awe of the crossing that awaits him. I have always anticipated something amazing on the other side of this life and when I worked with hospice patients I was blessed to be able to witness the transition between life and death first hand. It is trying to find the light on this side while struggling with this never ending illness that seems to be eluding me. I need to find that light within me while I am still living.

The decision to close my silk painting studio was made for me not by me. My body and energy have finally given out after living with a revved up immune system all these years. There was just no way I could go on working. I rarely leave the house anymore except for my 4 to 5 medical appointments each week so honestly I am having trouble seeing the light in all this, BUT....I do know it is there! I know that God is with me, I know that my life has purpose and that whether I am cured of this disease or not I can still be healed. This is a tough path, not one I would have chosen for myself (although there are those that believe we do choose our own path in this life). In an effort to find balance, peace and healing during this time of illness I think closing my business was a very neccisary act. As long as I was creating paintings that would please gallery managers and would sell I was not free to create really soulful work. The stress levels were very high and energy demands too intense. As my work with the sketchbook project comes to a close and I prepare to let it go on its journey I am looking forward to a time of artistic freedom with no commercial demands. 
It is my hope that as I leave the "darkness" of 2010 behind, the "light" I will be walking into in 2011 will afford me a year of reflection, restoration, and healing. Even if my disease is not "cured" I want to be at peace with what is. I want to stop fighting. I feel like shouting "I hear you Universe, I am my muse as I paint a path toward my own inner light. Help me cross this seemingly impossible void so that whether I am sick or well  I will be healed."

Below are a the latest page spreads from the sketchbook, I have 4 more page spreads to go before the book is finished.


  1. i was very moved by your post. i wish you peace and wellness in 2011

  2. Thank you DBK! Blessings to your and yours!